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Wait, Why Is This In My Mouth?

Okay, so, at this very moment I am eating a “dessert,” and also trying to get the taste of said “dessert” out of my mouth. I am doing this because a) I’m on a...

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The Rape Rainbow (A Guide to all the Kinds of Raping)

First, a note: the beginning of this piece is what they call “satire.” If you’re new to the idea, satire means that if you find yourself agreeing with this stuff, you might also have a rusty nail...

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If Hurricanes Were People, They’d Be A-holes

Every now and again I have a conversation in my head with…say…a traffic light. Or the table. Or those bark-y dogs a few houses up from me. My brain clearly has some pretty piss poor decision-making...

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Dear Dentist, Please Don’t Let Me Die

Photo By Sappymoosetree @ Flickr A while ago I went to the dentist. I have a decent fear of the dentist for a few of reasons: a) it smells funny in there b) people always complain about the horrific...

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How to Be Beautiful

It’s hard to be beautiful. There are so many ointments to apply, so many devices to wield, so many techniques to employ…yeesh! It’s surprising that more women don’t have flasks in their brassieres—who...

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Thank You For Your Valuable Feedback: The Art of Interpersonal Customer Service

photo by Thad Zajdowicz A very kind, smart, caring, professional, and good-looking friend (that last part is irrelevant, but what the hey—it’s true) just received her very first piece of hate mail. The...

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Of Course I’m Afraid of Nuclear Fallout

Photo by pasukaru76 @ FlickrI’ve been having weird dreams lately. And sleeping kinda restlessly. Sleep is literally my favorite thing to do, so it makes me a little bit cranky when it doesn’t work out...

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Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Rapists; Lessons from Steubenville, OH

Photo By rogamuffin via Flickr Oh look! I’m back to our favorite lighthearted topic: rape! Joy of joys. Today is the start of the trial for two Steubenville, OH high school athletes accused of...

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Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Rapists: The Verdict

Photo by stockmonkeys.com The decision came down from Judge Lipps in Steubenville, OH yesterday: the defendants have both been found delinquent beyond a reasonable doubt on two counts of rape, and one...

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I Have Gray Hair, Stretch Marks, And Love Handles…Because I’m a *Human Person*

Image by Kevin Dooley under Creative Commons license. Sigh. I don’t know what it is about today; about this week or this month… Maybe it’s been years now, maybe a lifetime—but I’m hitting a little bit...

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Why You Should Always Give a Pregnant Lady Five Bucks

Next time you see a pregnant lady, you really need to stop and give her five bucks. Why? Well, the short answer is that pregnancy is the freaking worst. THE WORST. Okay, having your leg chewed off by a...

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I’m Getting Over a Brold

Image by Kristina Alexanderson via Flickr. Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic Depression is stupid. And it has a weird rep that makes already crap-feeling people feel more isolated and...

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Brown Spider: A Hate Story

“There’s a spider in the car, Mama,” comes a little voice from the back seat. It was a calm statement. One of interest more than anything else, said in the same way she might say, “The sun is out,...

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The Y

We joined the YMCA. As you might recall, I dislike exercise greatly, so you may be wondering why I would pay money for a thing that is mostly made for doing such dreadful things. Good question. Good...

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